Satire is an Underappreciated Art

I published a tongue-in-cheek piece about the December 25th celebration of the birthday of a great human with an enormous impact on society (Sir Isaac Newton) and was met by the exact response I expected. https://joebroadmeadowblog.com/2025/12/24/for-unto-you-is-born-a-savior/

Many were quick to point out the Newton was a Christian or that his birthday is more commonly recognized as January 6, 1643. The discrepancy stems from the use (at the time) of the Julian Calendar which had the birthdate as December 25, 1642.

Which, of course, is a key element of the satirical nature. I’d never mentioned anyone else, but Christians seem to be fixated on a perception of persecution. This contention, in a majority Christian country like the United States, is a bit of a stretch.

The hyper-religious responded with the usual avalanche of biblical tracts and outrage. Why, you might ask? I have no idea. Because, even if we agree to the calendar change, on December 25, 0000, I am certain Jesus was not the only birth worldwide nor the only consequential one. Nor is there any consensus on that date except it conveniently co-opted a much older Pagan celebration. And we know how the church does not like competition.

When this was all shouted at me with the vigorous use of all capital letters and the usual accusation of my being a disciple of Satan, mixed in, I will admit, with the good intentions of praying for my soul that I may see the light and come to Jesus, I said I would stick with Newton and Galileo.

This caused another round of claims that Newton AND Galileo were Christian. When I pointed out the rather threatening treatment of Galileo by the Church, i.e., house arrest and forced recantation at the threat of immolation, I was sent a slew of “authoritative” postings about the “myth” of Galileo’s treatment by the Church.

This consisted of claims that; it wasn’t so bad, his house arrest was benign, many in the church agreed with him but the bureaucracy was responsible, as if that would have somehow cooled the flames. Then, I pointed out, there is Giordano Bruno who was not afforded the “luxury” of house arrest but was put to the flame.

This is a fine example of history being interpreted by those with an agenda. And these differences arise regarding events from just a few hundred years ago for which we have fairly substantial records. Yet, they express no concern about the accuracy of their claims regarding events two thousand years ago for which we have few contemporaneous records.

What these sincere but misled individuals fail to see is their argument supports my contention. The Bible is not the inerrant word of God, but the sometimes inspirational and beautiful, sometimes banal and pedestrian, yet more often horrific words of men trying to understand a complex world, give meaning to their short, violent, and plague-filled lives, and, more troubling, exert control over the lives of others masked by the claim of doing God’s work.

The Church first resists with deadly vigor any challenges to doctrine, be it heliocentrism, genetics, or evolution. Then, after the evidence becomes overwhelming, it attempts to rewrite history with claims that Galileo was punished for his attitude toward the church and his house arrest was evidence of the church’s true goal and good intention.

Then, back to the parables and passages to reinterpret them as supporting the science all along.

Galileo, Newton, and many of the most influential pioneers of science were Christian at a time when not to be was fraught with both economic and physical challenges. It is also true that many within the Church understood the Biblical explanations were merely placeholders until discoveries based on evidence came along.

Before we understood geology and plate tectonics, a 6,000 year old earth sounded ancient.

Before we understood planetary mechanics, we believed our eyes and the sun rose in the east and set in the west.

Before we understood the symptoms and pathways of epilepsy, demonic possession made sense.

Before we turned the first telescopes on the “heavens,” we believed our planet to be unique in the universe.

Whether or not Newton was born on December 25, 1642 or January 6, 1643 is irrelevant. Whether he proclaimed himself a Christian at the time is also irrelevant. His Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica changed the world in ways even more startling than the legend of a savior born centuries beforehand whose story was manipulated by those with an agenda to make it fit prophecies affirming their particular faith.

Next year, let’s celebrate the Dec. 25th birthday of Carlos Castenada, a writer of extraordinary mystical literature. Surely that won’t offend anyone.

Day 11: The Last Challenge

Joe and Hope walked down the path back to the sleigh. “So why do you think he wants the star, Hope?”

Hope stopped and faced Joe. “It’s not the star he wants; it’s the power it can give him. The star is a beacon, a symbol if you will, for Christmas. It brings the gift of possibilities and hope every year. It’s how I got my name.

“This nowhere man’s real name is Exspes. He wants to stop Christmas.”

At the sound of the name, a murky memory popped into Joe’s head. “Wait, I know that name from somewhere.”

“I don’t know how you could,” Hope said. “He never leaves here for anywhere else.”

“But, ah, I…hopelessness!” Joe said. “It’s hopelessness.”

“What is?” Hope said.

“Exspes means hopelessness in Latin.”

“And how do you know that? You speak Latin? Must be hard to find someone else to talk to.”

Joe laughed. “My grandfather used to read Latin words to me when I was a baby. For some reason I remember them.”

“Your grandfather sounds like an unusual guy,” Hope said.

“He is, and you’re about to meet him and his friends.” Joe pointed to the sleigh in the distance.

*****

When the sleigh came into sight, Hope ran to it, hugging Spero.

“Ah,” Joe said, “you guys know each other?”

“This,” said Hope, holding the Spero’s hand, “is my grandfather. I thought Exspes had him prisoner.”

After the brief joy of the reunion, they got back to business.

“How is it you came to be the guardians of the star, Hope?” Joe said.

“Santa and my great, great, great a hundred times over grandfather were friends. When Santa started the Christmas tradition, he knew he needed someone to put a sign in the sky for all to see. To remind them of the possibilities, to let the reindeer know it was time to fly again, and to remind the world about the things that really matter.

“He also needed someone he could trust with this responsibility. It’s been in our family since then. The position is passed along to each generation to carry on.”

“If this Exspes gets his hands on the star,” Joe’s grandfather said, “what will he do?”

“He’ll use the power of the star to stop Santa. The star keeps the world believing in Santa. Every year, as Christmas approaches, people all over the world see the star as a sign of hope. A sign that there is always some good in the world. A symbol that possibilities are always there for us to believe in them.

“For some, it’s knowing they’ll be with their families. For others, it’s doing something for others in the world. Everyone has their way, it may be different for you and me, but it is the spirit of Christmas that matters.”

“I think I know what we need to do,” Joe said. “Grandfather, do you have my backpack?”

Joe’s grandfather looked around the sleigh. “We must have left it in Christmas Town. Why do you need it?”

“Just trust me on this,” Joe said. “How fast can you get it back here?”

Levi David smiled. “Oh, I love these moments. Hang on boys, it’s gonna be a rocky ride.”

And in a flash, the sleigh was gone.

“Now what,” Hope said.

“Now we wait,” Joe said. “While we do, I’ll fill you in.”

Tomorrow: Believe in the Possibilities

Day 10: The First Challenge

Joe left the cave, heading back to where he’d last seen his grandfather and the others. Looking around, he saw no signs of them. Then he remembered what Santa said about Levi and Wyatt.

Focusing his thoughts on the two elves, he closed his eyes.

“Are you napping or just inspecting the inside of your eyelids?” a familiar voice said.

Opening his eyes, he saw the sleigh and all his companions. “Nice of you to show up.”

“What happened?” his grandfather said. “Did you find him?”

“I did indeed,” Joe answered. “And I must say he is not a very likeable guy.”

“What’d you expect from a guy who steals from Santa Claus?” Spero said.

“Good point,” Joe said. “Anyway, I have somethings I need to do. Let me fill you in.”

*****

When the story was over, Joe’s grandfather exchanged a look with Spero. Joe caught the slight nod between them.

“Listen, Joe,” his grandfather said “this is way beyond what we thought it would be. These aren’t challenges he’s given you; they’re impossibilities. It’s too risky. We’ll have to find another way.”

“Grandfather, there’s a reason why I am the way I am and a lot of that is because of you. How many times, when I thought I couldn’t do something, did you say try? Just try. And if I argued that it was impossible, what did you always say?”

“That’s different,” his grandfather said. “I was just encouraging you.”

“What did he say, Joe” Spero asked.

“You stay out of this, Spero,” Joe’s grandfather said, a bit of an edge to his voice.

“I don’t think so, Liam,” Spero said. “Tell me, Joe. What did he say?”

“He said, the difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer.” Joe turned to face his grandfather. “Santa asked for your help, and you believed I would be the one to do it. And I am going to, with or without your help.

“What’s it gonna be?”

Joe’s grandfather stayed silent for a long moment, then a smile broke out on his face. “See, Spero, I told you he was the right one for this.”

“Arrrgh,” Joe said, “everything with you is a test.”

It was Spero’s turn to talk. “Look, Joe, this is a serious matter. We had doubts when your grandfather first told us about you. He was right to prove your courage and determination to us. Because we can only help so much. The rest will all depend on you.

“This first task will be just a minor test. I fear what follows will be the real challenge. You ready for this? Once we start there’s no going back.”

Joe had to smile at these two old friends. “I get it, the old generation is losing out to us young guys. It’s understandable.”

“Ouch,” his grandfather said. “Okay, let’s get going. We’ve a long ride ahead of us to the area of this Cave of Lost Hope. If the nowhere man isn’t just sending us on a wild goose chase.”

They all piled into the sleigh and Wyatt took it straight up into the clouds. Several hours later, they began a gentle descent.

“I know it’s probably too late to ask,” Joe said, breaking the silence, “but do any of you have an idea what the Cave of Lost Hope is? It might help me find it.”

“I do,” Levi David said.

“Please tell me everything,” Joe said.

“It began centuries ago, even before Santa Claus and Christmas existed. It was a difficult time on earth. There was magic but little control over it, and it was used for personal gain rather than good.

“People were afraid and didn’t know where to turn. Many decided to flee their home.  Entire cities disappeared. Soon, a rumor started that there was a cave where these people entered and never returned.

“It came to be known as the Cave of Lost Hope.”

“Why do you think the nowhere man wants me to find it?” Joe said.

Levi David shrugged. “I have no idea.”

Joe looked at his grandfather and Spero, neither offered anything.

Joe watched as Wyatt brought the sleigh in for a smooth landing. He sat thinking, trying to puzzle out the mystery.

Then, an idea sprung to his mind and Joe sat up.

“Think of something?” his grandfather said.

“Maybe,” Joe answered. “This nowhere man left me a clue. Some of it said, ‘he’s as blind as he can be, just sees what he wants to see.’ I wonder if it has to do with not just seeing but looking for something you’re not even sure is there.

“He says he doesn’t believe in possibilities. If that’s so, why send me out on these challenges? I don’t think he lied about the cave, but if he thinks I can find it he believes it’s possible.

“Somehow, this cave is hidden from him. The question is why?”

His grandfather perked up. “Joe, what is the hardest thing to bear?”

“This isn’t another test, is it?” Joe said.

“No, seriously. What is the hardest thing to bear?”

“I don’t know, ah…”

“Think, Joe, think,” his grandfather said. “We’ve shared this experience.”

Joe struggled to think, what could be so hard to bear? Then he remembered his grandmother. “Wait, I know. Losing someone you love. Nothing is harder than that, right?”

“Exactly,” his grandfather said. “The nowhere man lost someone and he thinks they’re in the Cave of Lost Hope. And he knows only someone full of hope can see through the magic that hides the cave.”

Another light went on in Joe’s head. “And I know where and how to look for it.” Jumping from the sleigh, he grabbed the edge, pulling himself up to look at the others.

“Stay here,” Joe said, “if I am right, this won’t take but a few minutes,” then ran off into the woods.

Making his way up a short hill, Joe looked for a sign. He saw nothing at first then a thought came to him. Closing his eyes and clearing his mind, he took several deep breaths then reopened them. Right in front of him a cave entrance now appeared.

Making his way inside, he followed a narrow corridor until it came into a wide-open area filled with people. If the midst of the crowd stood a solitary person, a woman, who looked much like the nowhere man.

Joe made his way closer, he approached the young woman.

“I knew you would come someday. He sent you, didn’t he?”

“Santa sent me,” Joe said. “But there’s another creature that wanted me to come here. I don’t trust him.”

“The nowhere man?” the girl said.

“How did you know?” Joe asked.

“Because I came here to hide because he wants the star. He imprisoned my grandfather trying to force us to give it to him.”

“Well, we aren’t gonna let that happen,” Joe said. “Come on, I have friends with me and we can save your grandfather.”

Day 11: The Last Challenge

Day 9: A Being without Imagination

Walking along the edge of a frozen river, Joe had time to think. This doesn’t make sense. There are always possibilities. How can something exist without possibilities? Why would someone believe possibilities are something to stop?

“Because they bring a false hope,” said a voice that seemed to come from all directions at once.

Joe stopped dead in his tracks, spinning around trying to find the source of the voice.

“Who are you?” Joe said, still turning but seeing nothing. “Where are you?”

“I am everywhere and nowhere. I am the one you seek. But you are wasting your time.”

“Seek? Everywhere and nowhere?” Joe said. “Why does everyone think they have to sound like some fantasy movie?”

“It’s not working?” said the voice, a bit more softly.

“No, it never does,” Joe said. “Show yourself.”

“Where would the challenge in that be?” the voice said.

“Are you afraid to let me see you?” Joe said,

The silence seemed to last forever.

“Did you really think that would work?” the voice said.

Joe shrugged, “it was worth a try.”

“I see you have a bit of an attitude about you. I find that interesting. Perhaps I will let you find me…or not. Let’s see how clever you are.”

Joe heard the sound of a hammer hitting a nail. He looked through the snow and saw a shadowy figure nailing a paper to a tree. As he started toward the creature, it disappeared into the storm.

Fighting against the wind, Joe made his way to the tree and yanked off the paper. Pulling up the collar of his jacket to offer some protection from the wind, he read the words.

He’s as blind as he can be
Just sees what he wants to see
Nowhere man, can you see me at all?

What the heck does that mean? Joe thought.

“As the childrens’ saying goes,” said the voice, “that’s for me to know and you to find out. Come find me, Joe, but remember the words. I am not far, and I am not near. You are closer than you think, and farther away than you know.”

“What is it with riddles?” Joe said to the wind.

“I think it’s assumed to be part of these stories,” the voice said. “Who am I to question such expectations?”

The sound of the storm chased away the last of the voice and Joe was alone again.

Shielding his eyes from the wind-driven snow, he tried to see something, anything that looked like a destination. For a moment, the wind relented and Joe caught a glimpse of light on the horizon.

He started in that direction, but the light soon disappeared into the blizzard. Well, Joe thought, heading somewhere is better than nowhere I suppose. What do I have to lose?

Trudging on for what seemed like miles, Joe would catch brief moments when the light would appear. While it didn’t seem closer, it did seem brighter. Putting his head down, he forced himself onward.

A few moments later, he walked right into a solid wall of ice. “Ouch,” he said, rubbing his head.

“Well, I’ll be,” the voice said. “You managed to find your way.”

“Didn’t think I would?” Joe said, still massaging his head.

“No, I didn’t. I never do.” The voice answered. “I suppose you want to come inside.”

“Is it warmer in there?” Joe said. “I’m freezing out here.”

“It is.”

“And?” Joe said, growing tired of these mind games.

“Alright, come on in,” the voice said.

The wall in front of Joe faded away and light came from within.  As soon as Joe walked in the warmth enveloped him.

Following the curvy path, he made his way deep into the cave. After a short distance he came into an enormous chamber. At the end of the chamber was a giant chair on top of a flat rock.

Sitting there was a wrinkled old man, dwarfed by the size of the chair. Joe walked to stand in front of him.

“You’re the nowhere man?” Joe said.

 The man glanced left and right, up and down, then turned back to face Joe. “Figured that out all by yourself, did you?”

Joe just shook his head. “Yeah, I did.”

“Well, then I can see why Santa sent you on this fool’s errand. You are either deceptively brilliant or expendable. I’m leaning toward expendable.”

Joe just stared at the old man.

“What is that your grandfather always says about things aren’t always what they appear to be?” As the echo of his words died down, the man morphed into a giant dragon, then a lion, then an elf, then back to the wrinkled old man.

Joe staggered back a few steps.

“Surprised?” the man said.

“You might say that.” Joe said. “But I’m missing the point.”

The man stood then took a few shaky steps down to stand in front of Joe.

“I know why you’re here. I know what you came here for. I just wanted you to understand what it is you’re facing.”

“If you’re trying to scare me, it won’t work.” Joe said, trying to convince himself as much as anyone else.

“Bravado does not suit you, young man,” the man said. “But I am always ready for a challenge. You want to bring the gift of possibilities back to Santa, right?”

“Not only do I want to do that, but I am also going to do that,” Joe said, hoping the man couldn’t hear his heart racing in his chest.

“Excellent, I love to rob someone of their confidence,” the man said. “Here’s how we shall play this little game. I will give you two challenges. Complete them and I will hand over the gift of possibilities.”

The man turned back, walking up the stairs to his chair. Taking a seat, he stared at Joe for a long moment.

“But if you fail, not only will Santa never get the gift of possibilities back, but he will never deliver gifts again.”

“You can’t do that!” Joe said. “That’s not possible.”

“And this from the mouth of someone who cares so much for possibilities,” the man said. “Let me refresh your memory of where you are. I do not believe in possibilities. I do not believe in imagination. I believe in the realities of this world. I see what I want to see.

“Not only can I do these things but, as soon as you fail as I know you will, I will do these things and be done with Christmas once and for all.”

“What are these tasks?” Joe said, with a determination that even surprised himself.

“The first is simple. Find the Cave of Lost Hope and bring the young girl named Hope back here.”

“And who is she?” Joe asked.

“Someone who has something that belongs to me.”

“And if she refuses?” Joe said.

“Then find a way to make her return,” the nowhere man said, then faded from view.

Tomorrow: The First Challenge

Day 7: The Test

The first Joe realized the bonds no longer held him was when the Nowhere Man took him by the hand.

“Come with me. I want to show you something.”

Joe stood, looked around trying to look for an exit, then followed the Nowhere Man.

“It’s that way,” the man said, pointing without looking at Joe.

“What is?” Joe said.

“The door. But it will do you no good. There’s nothing out there and nowhere to go,” he stopped walking and folded his arms. “Go ahead, try if you want, I’ll be right here when you get back.”

Joe glanced toward the door and then back at the Nowhere Man. “Nah, I want to hear your story and why you’ve stolen the gift of possibility.”

The Nowhere Man nodded. “All in good time, Joe. And time is all we have here.”

“Can I ask you something, Mr., ah…” Joe said. “What do I call you?”

“I am known as Desperatus.”

“Known by who?” Joe said, while a murky memory buried deep in his mind struggled to get to the surface. “Is there anybody else here?”

Desperatus shook his head. “No, I am quite alone. But in a former life, that was my name.”

“Where are we going?” Joe asked.

“We are here,” Desperatus said, standing in front of a large curtain.

Joe came to stand next to him. “What’s this?”

Desperatus pulled the curtain back and Joe could see into a gigantic room filled with all sorts of toys and games. Ghostly images of kids played with drones and dolls and all manner of things.

GI Joes marched around the room. Harry Potter characters danced in the air. Children in all ages of dress squealed with delight as they tore open Christmas presents.

The images would fade from scenes from last Christmas into scenes from long ago with little boys using a stick to push a hoop along a dusty road. Then a group of little girls would appear, gathered around a small table, pretending to serve tea.

Some sights would flash by in an instant, others lingered for a time, but nothing ever stayed the same.

“What are these things?” Joe asked.

“This is what believing in possibilities does,” Desperatus said. “These precious possibilities Santa has given for years never last. They are not real. They are false hopes that lead to disappointment.”

“That’s not true,” Joe said. “I believe in possibilities.”

“Of course you do.  You’re a kid. But kids grow up and never remember these dreams. I’ve saved them the disappointment that comes with growing up.”

“No, you haven’t,” Joe said. “You’ve taken away the best part of being a kid. You’re not interested in saving anyone. You’re just angry you no longer believe.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Here they are and here they’ll stay and there is nothing you, or anyone else, can do about it.”

“We’ll see about that!” Joe said, heading toward the door.

“Go ahead,” Desperatus said. “Even if you managed to find a way back, they won’t remember you. I’ve taken away all their memories. You no longer exist as far as they are concerned.”

Joe thought for a moment. Something nagged at him. Something his grandfather always used to say. ‘Things are often not what they seem.’ Maybe this was what he knew I would face someday.

“Why keep me and let the others go?” Joe said. “If you have the power to steal memories, then why not just steal mine as well so I’d forget all about you?”

The truth is more often revealed by what people don’t say than what they do say. Desperatus pausing before he answered was one of those moments.

“I owe you no explanation.”

“True. You don’t owe me anything,” Joe said, “but I am here because you kept me here. If there is something you want from me, or need from me, just tell me.”

Desperatus glanced around, then mouthed the words, “wait for me outside.” He glanced around again, then walked away.

Joe watched as this Nowhere Man disappeared around the corner. A moment of indecision wracked Joe’s brain. Was this a trick? A trap? Was it true his grandfather no longer remembered him?

Then a thought occurred to him. Santa sent me here because I believe in possibilities. Maybe that is what I need to do. To show Desperatus that possibilities can last lifetime. And every possibility has the potential to turn out well, but even if it doesn’t there is always more to come.

Joe headed toward the door, hesitated before opening it, then yanked it open.

Before him was the last thing he ever expected.  There in the snow-covered field was the sleigh, reindeer, Levi David, Wyatt James, Desperatus, and Joe’s grandfather all waiting on him. Smiles all around.

“What’s this?” Joe said, “This can’t possibly be another of your jokes, grandfather. Can it?”

Joe’s grandfather shook his head. “No, my boy, even I couldn’t pull this off. My friend here and Santa had to be certain you were ready.”

“Ready for what?” Joe asked.

“The part about someone has taken the gift of possibilities is all true. There’s more to it, but you need to learn this on your own. We had to be sure that, with all the obstacles you’ll face, you’d choose to see the possibility of success.

“When you walked out that door,” his grandfather said. “We all knew you were the one. My friend here threw a lot at you, and it didn’t matter,” then he hugged Joe.  “Of course, I never doubted it.”

“So Desperatus is a friend?” Joe asked.

“The best,” Joe’s grandfather said. “And, of course that’s not his real name.”

“Desperatus means hopeless in Latin, right?” Joe said.

His grandfather smiled. “And your mother said I was wasting time reading Latin to you before you could even walk.”

“I knew there was something about that name that was familiar.”

“His real name is Spero. And he needs our help in finding out where the real Nowhere Man is and where he has hidden Santa’s gift.”

Joe smiled at the thought, ‘Spero, Latin for hope.’

Tomorrow: Nowhere is a Long Way from Everywhere

Day 6: The Nowhere Man

One moment the sleigh was slipping silently over a dark, treeless landscape, then the next it seemed they were plummeting from the sky.

“Hold on, Joe!” his grandfather said.

“Really?” Joe said, grasping the edge of the sleigh as tight as he could. “That never occurred to me. Hold on, brilliant. My mother is gonna be mad if you get us killed.”

Just as the sleigh seemed ready to crash, the reindeer pulled up and landed. Levi David turned to face the rear. “Thank you for flying Santa airways, please remember to take all carryon items with you.” Then let out a laugh.

“The whole world is full of wise guys,” Joe said, jumping from the sleigh. His grandfather climbed down after him.

“Did I miss anything good,” he asked. “I slept most of the way.”

“Slept?”

“Yeah, I’m a big fan of naps,” his grandfather said, stretching.

Joe shook his head. “Where are we?”

“Exactly where you asked to be,” Wyatt James said. “Welcome to Nowhere. Now what?”

“Now we go looking for the nowhere man,” Joe said, turning around, trying to get oriented. When he turned back, his heart skipped a beat. The look in his eyes gave his shock at the sight away.

“What’s the matter, Joe? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his grandfather said.

Joe was unable to speak for a moment, then said. “Your ears, grandfather, they’re…ah… they’re…”

“Pointed?” his grandfather said, smiling.

“Yeah, pointed. And you have a beard! What’s that all about?”

“Yeah, I probably should have warned you,” his grandfather said. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to them.”

“I guess, it’s just, well why?” Joe said.

“Part of our heritage, my boy. You’ll find the ears quite comfortable and a great improvement in your sensitivity to sounds.”

“Why would I…” then Joe reached up to his ears. “Points! My ears have points! What’s happening?”

“You didn’t tell him, did you,” Levi David said, walking over. “Did you think he wouldn’t notice?”

“No, well, I just forgot,” Joe’s grandfather said. “I’m used to them.”

“Now you are,” Wyatt James said. “But I seem to recall you trying to yank them off when this first happened to you during that time when the toy supplies were taken.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that too.”

“Joe,” Levi David said, “what your clueless grandfather here should have done was tell you about your heritage. You are what we elves like to call a blend. You are a human boy with elfin blood. There aren’t many of you, but you play an important role protecting Christmas.

“Whenever you are involved in something for Santa, and everything involving Santa has elves, your hidden elf comes to the surface. I know this is a bit of a shock, but you will come to accept it.”

Joe kept rubbing his ears. “Yeah, but what if somebody sees me?”

Levi reached over and pulled Joe’s hands away from his ears. “Here’s a little advice from experience, don’t keep rubbing your ears, they’ll get red and irritated and it is not a pleasant feeling.

“And don’t worry about others finding out, at least the non-magical. Almost no one will know about you. But remember this: all magical creatures recognize one another, and they are not all friendly.”

Joe started to reach for his ears again, then pulled his hand back. “Ah, anything else I should know, grandfather?”

The two elves and Joe stared at the now embarrassed old man. “Nope, that’s it. The occasional pointy ears. Sorry, pal, I should’ve told you.”

“Okay,” Joe said, “you’re forgiven. Now let’s go find the nowhere man.”

Making their way through the snow, without the slightest hint of any trail or signs of other creatures, the troop trudged along.

“Any idea where we are going?” Joe’s grandfather asked.

“Not really,” Joe answered, “I just remember reading something about letting the terrain lead you. I hope I remembered that right.”

They marched on for what seemed like hours before Joe stopped them.

“Listen,” he said.

The group stood in silence, straining to hear.

“Hear it?” Joe said.

Joe’s grandfather leaned toward him. “Told you those ears would be useful.”

“Shh,” Joe said. “Listen!”

Faint at first, then becoming more distinct, they could hear someone, or something, humming.

“Where’s it coming from?” Levi David asked.

“Over that ridge,” Joe said, pointing. “Let’s go but be quiet.”

Making their way to the top of the ridge, they stayed low to the ground trying to spot the source of the sound. A sudden wind swirled snow all around masking their view. But occasionally, they could make out movement.

“There,” Joe pointed. “It’s right there and it’s moving this way. We better…” But before he finished his sentence, he was blinded by sudden flash of light and painfully loud noise. 

Then nothing by silence.

Joe felt around, pushing himself to sit, trying to clear his mind. Light and shadows danced in his eyes. He felt the heat of a fire and the flame soon came into focus. Finding himself in an overstuffed chair in front of a huge stone fireplace, he tried to make sense of the confusing scene.

“Comfortable?” a voice said, raspy, almost grating on the ears, coming from his left.

“Where am I?” Joe said.

“Exactly where you wanted to be, nowhere,” the voice said.

“Where is everyone else?” Joe said, looking around, trying to see the shadowy figure in the next chair.

“They’re fine, back in Christmas town by now. Of course, by now the memory is gone.”

“They left me?” Joe said. “I don’t believe that.” He tried to rise but couldn’t move off the chair. He saw nothing holding him but still couldn’t stand. “And what do you mean, the memory is gone?”

“If you agree to behave, I will release the bonds that hold you,” the creature said. “And explain.”

“Okay, fine. But you better not have harmed them,” Joe said.

“I’ve never harmed anyone in my entire life.”

Tomorrow: The Test

Day 4: Journey

Day 4: Journey

The sleigh descended in a gentle spiral, giving Joe a view of a brightly lit town bustling with elves and reindeer dashing here and there.

“Is that…?”

“Yup, the one and only,” his grandfather said. “Cool how I can anticipate your questions, eh?”

“Ah, not much of a trick since I am in a sleigh piloted by elves and pulled by reindeer. The question was more rhetorical.”

“Will you listen to him, Levi David,” his grandfather said, winking at the elf. “All these big words from our resident genius here.”

“I can read, you know, grandfather.”

“I know, I know,” his grandfather laughed, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “And it’s because you can read that we are here.”

Joe’s face scrunched up. “Huh?”

His grandfather pointed. “Here’s comes someone to explain. And before you say, is that…it is.”

“Hello there, Joe,” Santa Claus himself said. “Thanks for coming.”

“You’re welcome, but I was sort of kidnapped.”

Santa put his hands together. “I see he has your sense of humor, Liam. I am not surprised. He comes from a long line of wise guys.”

Joe’s grandfather shrugged his shoulders. “We grow ‘em right in Cumberland. Not intimidated by anyone.”

“Let’s hope so,” Santa said. “Now, Joe, I bet you’re curious about why you’re here.”

“You might say that.”

“You know about our Journey, Engage, Believe process?”

“My mom told me grandfather used to say it all the time, but I’m not sure how that has anything to do with me.”

 “Because I need you to go on a journey, find whoever has taken something from me, engage with them, convince them to return it, and help the world believe in possibilities again.”

“Me?” Joe said, “Why me? I’m not magical. I can’t fly around the world in one night like you. What can I do that you can’t?”

“That is true,” Santa said. “Yet you have something inside you few people have.”

“I do?” Joe said, glancing at his grandfather.

“Like your grandfather here, and his grandfather before him, in a line going back centuries, you have the gift of believing in possibilities. Most people have lost it. When I sensed the world was losing its ability to believe in the possible, I began giving it out. I used to add it to all the gifts I deliver, but someone has taken that ability away.

“And the troubling part is, at first, I never even noticed. I just assumed it was with each gift, then I started to notice a change in the world. People lost their ability to imagine, to dream, to wonder. It took me a while to figure it out. Once I did, I sent for your grandfather and he told me he had just the person for the job, you.”

“I still don’t understand,” Joe said.

Santa nodded at one of the elves who seemed to disappear then reappear in a flash. He handed a wrapped gift to Santa.

Santa handed the gift to Joe.

“What’s inside, Joe?” Santa asked.

Joe shrugged, turning the gift over in his hands, getting a feel for the weight. “I’d have to open it to see,” he said.

“What could it be?” Santa asked.

“Oh, I don’t know, a lot of things. “A model plane, a car, a video game, lots of things.”

“Open it,” Santa said.

Tearing the paper off the box, he popped the tape and opened the box. It was empty.

“There’s nothing inside,” Joe said, holding the box open. “It’s empty.”

‘And yet, just a moment ago, it was full of possibilities,” Santa said. “You never for a moment believed it to be an empty box.”

Joe nodded, handing the box back to the elf.

“And if there had been, say, a rocket ship inside?” Santa said, putting his hand on Joe’s shoulder, “What would you have done with such a gift?”

“Played with it. Make believe it was flying to the stars.”

“You see my point?” Santa said.

“I believe in possibilities?” Joe answered, a bit unsure.

“Exactly,’ Santa said, “and that ability to believe in possibilities is what is missing in our world. People now focus on getting the box open, not seeing the possibilities. And I need you to find out why.”

“But why do I still believe in possibilities if the rest of the world doesn’t?” Joe asked.

“That, my boy, is the fortune of birth,” Santa said. “When all this started,” waving his hands at the elves, reindeer, and workshops around him, “it began because I and a few others, like your grandfather and all the grandfathers before him, believed in possibilities.

“When a little boy or girl holds a toy plane and pretends to fly through the sky, they are seeing the possibilities. When a young girl or boy looks through a telescope, they are looking into a universe full of possibilities.

“We need to get the power of possibility back so it can be given to everyone. It is believing in possibilities that makes our world a better place. It is the whole reason for the spirit of Christmas. This spirit isn’t a thing, or a gift, or even the act of giving, it is the power of believing we can make a difference in the world. Believing it is possible to make the world a better place. Starting with your family and friends then reaching out to the whole world.”

Joe stayed silent for a moment, there was a lot to take in. “Okay, I’ll do it but where do I even begin?”

Santa turned to look at Joe’s grandfather. “Liam?”

“We start at the beginning,” the old man said. “There are, pardon the pun, a lot of possibilities for what’s happened.”

“I will leave it in your capable hands, Liam,” Santa said. “Levi David and Wyatt James will be but a thought away should you need them.” He turned to face Joe, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Whatever happens, Joe, never let anyone or anything take away your belief in possibilities, okay?”

“That’s not even a possibility, Santa,” Joe said with a smile.

Santa let out one of his world-famous laughs. “Hah, you gotta love this kid.” And he disappeared in a flash, the laughter still echoing of the snow-covered mountains.

Joe looked at his grandfather, “Now what?”

“Now, we get you back to school so you’re not late. Then we get started after you get out.”

“How we gonna do that?” Joe said. “No matter how fast the sleigh travels it can’t go back in time. I’m already late.”

Joe’s grandfather tilted his head, giving Joe a ‘think about it’ look.

“Ah,” Joe said when the light went on. “Travel in the sleigh slows down time, right?”

“Right you are,” the old man winked at Joe. “And by my calculations we have just enough of time remaining to get you to school. Let’s go.”

Back onboard the sleigh, Joe sat in silence.

“Something wrong?” his grandfather asked.

“No, no, just thinking about…”

“Possibilities?” his grandfather said.

Joe smiled. “Yup, possibilities.”

Tomorrow: The Journey to the Land of Nowhere

Day 3: Open Your Mind to the Magic

As Joe made his way along the sidewalk, his grandfather fell into step with him.

“Where’d you come from?” Joe asked.

“Well, Ireland originally by way of New York, a long year spent on a government all-expense paid trip to Vietnam during the war, then back to Providence, and then here in good ole’ Cumberland, Rhode Island where I had the good fortune to trick your grandmother into marrying me.”

Joe shook his head. “I know that, Grandfather, I meant just now.”

“Ah, well then, I came from where I was and now, I am here.”

Joe rolled his eyes. “Do you ever just keep it simple?”

“Nope,” the old man said, a huge smile lighting up his face, “life’s complicated, but I do try to make it enjoyable. Are you ready?”

“Ah, ready for what? In case you haven’t noticed, despite all the clues like a backpack and lunch bag,” he held them up for the man to see, “I am on my way to school. Oh, and thanks for the backpack.”

“Well, first, you’re welcome. Second, you are indeed on your way, probably not where you expected to go, but you are on the way. You’ll get to school just a bit late.”

“Ah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“You don’t even know what the idea is yet,” his grandfather said.

Joe stopped walking, turning to face the old man. “Okay, I’ll play along. What is this? Is this an elaborate new prank you’ve devised?’

“Oh, ye of little faith,” his grandfather said. “Follow me.”

Without waiting for Joe, the old man headed down a path into the woods, disappearing into the trees. Joe glanced around, checked the time on his cellphone, shrugged, then followed the old man down the path. It occurred to him he’d never noticed this path before.

“If the school calls my mom, you’re coming with me to explain as part of my defense,” Joe said, jogging to catch up.

When Joe came into the clearing, he stopped dead in his tracks. Closing his eyes for a moment, thinking he must still be dreaming, he slowly reopened them.

“No worries, Joe. Time does sometimes wait while we follow our hearts. No one will even notice you’re missing.”

“Ah, is that?” Joe said, trying to take it all in.

“Indeed, it is, my boy. Let me introduce you to my good friends, Levi David, head flying coordinator elf for Santa’s reindeer and Wyatt James, chief elf training pilot.”

“Ah, they’re elves,” Joe said, glancing between his smiling grandfather and the two elves waving at him.

“I told you he was smart,” his grandfather said, winking at the elves. “Nothing gets by him.”

“Ah, wha, what are we doing here?” Joe said.

“Tell you what,” his grandfather said, pushing him toward the sleigh. “Why don’t we climb aboard, enjoy the ride, and I’ll explain everything. You don’t get airsick, do you?”

Joe looked at him as he took a seat. “How would I know? I’ve never flown in a sleigh before.”

“Excellent point,” his grandfather said. “Just lean over the edge if something comes up,” he let out a laugh. “We’ll avoid residential areas while you get your wings. You didn’t have a big breakfast, did you?”

“Wings?” Joe asked, eyes wide as he stared at the old man.

“It’s an expression, Joe, just an expression. You’ll be fine. I only tossed my cookies once but that was during a blizzard.”

“You’ve done this before?”

“Couple of times, whenever the call came.”

When Joe turned to look over the edge of the sleigh, he realized they were already flying. He’d never felt anything.

“I’m a good pilot,” Wyatt James said. “You’ll be fine.”

“How’d you know what I was thinking?” Joe asked.

“It’s an elf skill,” Wyatt James said. “We sense these things.”

Joe settled back and enjoyed the moment. Despite being in an open sleigh flying through an early morning December sky, he felt no chill or wind. Light snow had fallen the night before giving a shimmering glow to the ground, sparkling like diamonds. But in the sleigh, he was nice and warm.

He tapped his grandfather on his shoulder.

“Where are we going?”

His grandfather leaned over, pointed at the lettering on the backpack, and tapped the letter J.

“This is the first part, the Journey.”

Tomorrow: Journey

The Christmas Spirit (including its namesake)

A misquote attributed to J. D. Salinger in the book Catcher in the Rye goes something like this.

“If Christ could see Christmas, he’d puke.”

But like many “quotes” attributed to famous people—to give them the weight of intellectual or literary authority—this is not what he wrote as dialog for Holden Caulfield. What Salinger wrote is much more aligned with the rest of this piece. Here’s what Caulfield said in the book after seeing a Christmas show at Radio City Music Hall,

“I said old Jesus probably would’ve puked if he could see it—all those fancy costumes and all.”

J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye.

Those with another purpose then twisted Salinger’s words, that the historical Jesus would have been offended by “those fancy costumes,” into the more erudite, “If Christ could see Christmas, he would puke.”

I think in either case, it misses the mark completely.

Assuming for the sake of argument there was a historic figure, Jesus of Nazareth—leaving aside the whole virgin birth, son of god, risen from the dead elements. And assuming the elements of the faith he preached about doing undo others as you would have them do unto you is an effective summary, I don’t think he’d puke at all.

“I said old Jesus probably would’ve puked if He could see it—all those fancy costumes and all.”

J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

While one can make an argument about the distortion of consumerism and the glitz of the decorations, that same consumerism puts food on the table of those who produce and sell those goods. And the act of giving gifts to others, paid for by those jobs, meshes pretty well with the elemental spirit of “old Jesus.”

Perhaps if they had just created a few bumper stickers for their camels or roadside signs on the road to Jerusalem instead of writing the bible, more people would have understood the message and not twisted it to their own purposes.

As a young boy, they subjected me to a Catholic upbringing. I became Catholic not by choice but by virtue of the geography and lineage of my birth. Richard Dawkins compares the spread of religion to that of a virus. Your parents, or guardians, are the host spreading the virus onto their off-spring who do the same thing.

In the entire time I attended the Catholic Church and while growing up in Cumberland, RI, I met no one whose religion differed from their parents. It was remarkably consistent.

Which brings me back to the concept of the Christmas Spirit. Inevitably, over the coming weeks, one will see those very effective bumper stickers that say, “Put Christ back in Christmas.”

I would argue he was never out of it. That time and society has drifted away from the purely religious mysticism and turned Christmas into a holiday of Jingle Bells, Ho, Ho, Ho, and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer are a sign of progress.

We don’t need religion to teach us the fundamental philosophy of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. A fat guy in a red and white suit riding the magic of imagination accomplishes the same thing in a much more effective way.

Now that’s not to say religion, for many, doesn’t have its place. The story of the wise men following the star is so ingrained in my psyche that every year, as Christmas approaches, I often think one star appears brighter than it does other times of the year.

This is not a harmful belief unless I forget it is based on something other than reality. Perhaps back then a supernova shone brightly, coinciding with the myth of the birth of Jesus. Perhaps the lapse of time between the writing of the story—decades after it allegedly happened—wrapped the truth with wishful fiction.

But it doesn’t alter the reality of what Christmas means to many outside of its religious origins.

If one wants to understand the spirit of Christmas, all you have to do is watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas. It covers the gambit of topics from the consumerism and the glitz—Snoopy’s winning the decorating contest—to Linus reciting the story of the Angels announcing the birth of Jesus to shepherds in the field to the whole group singing around the simple Christmas tree Charlie Brown embraced as only a child could.

There are a lot of things that might make “Old Jesus” puke in this world. Many of them are done in his name. But Christmas isn’t one of them.

JEBWizard Publishing (www.jebwizardpublishing.com) is a hybrid publishing company focusing on new and emerging authors. We offer a full range of customized publishing services. Everyone has a story to tell, let us help you share it with the world. We turn publishing dreams into reality.

I’m Warning You…Charlie Brown!

If there was any doubt that the world is headed into oblivion, this should erase it. If there was any doubt the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were on their way, or at least saddling up their horses for the ride to Armageddon, this should eliminate all doubt.

This was so troubling I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it when I saw it. I didn’t want to extinguish the few remaining embers of the Christmas spirit left in the world.

In a year that saw the rise of a Pandemic we knew how to control but refused to adhere to even a vestige of scientific rationality.

In a year that saw what many hoped was the last of a debacle begun in January 2017.

In a year where a significant number of Americans drank the Kool-Aid of a deranged delusion plunging us back into acting like Dark Age peasants quaking at the sight of an eclipse out of ignorance and maniacal fallacies.

We now must face the reality of just how much we have regressed into the anarchy of idiocy.

What, pray tell, drove me to this despair and hopelessness of our situation you ask?

It was this.

As I am wont to do each year, I watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas. I have watched it every year since it first premiered all those years ago in the days of three channels, on a broadcast schedule that required you to plan and, at least for the first few years, in black & white.

This year technology, of which I am a big fan, forced me to download the video. As I sat down to watch it, looking forward to the music of Vince Guaraldi, Linus’s speech about the meaning of Christmas, Snoopy embracing the commercialism of the season, and all the other elements I’ve come to hold dear, I was shocked by something that appeared on the screen during the initial scene of snow falling.

A Warning on Charlie Brown’s Christmas

In the upper left-hand corner there appeared a warning. A viewer discretion warning telling me this show, this icon of 1960’s television, this sacred reminder of a simpler, less complicated world, contained VIOLENCE AND FOUL LANGUAGE.

I was stunned. I was shocked. I was astounded. VIOLENCE AND FOUL LANGUAGE in Charlie Brown’s Christmas and I needed to be warned.

All these years I never knew I was being pummeled by VIOLENCE AND FOUL LANGUAGE every time I watched Charlie Brown. For fifty-five years everything wrong I have ever done is likely because I never knew I was being exposed to VIOLENCE AND FOUL LANGUAGE in Charlie Brown’s Christmas.

It explains much.

I will now go wait outside for the Four Horsemen for surely the end is nigh upon us. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

************************************************************************

JEBWizard Publishing (www.jebwizardpublishing.com) is a hybrid publishing company focusing on new and emerging authors. We offer a full range of customized publishing services.

Everyone has a story to tell, let us help you share it with the world. We turn publishing dreams into a reality. For more information and manuscript submission guidelines contact us at info@jebwizardpublishing.com or 401-533-3988.

Signup here for our mailing list for information on all upcoming releases, book signings, and media appearances.