Shirley!
Shirley, Shirley Bo-ber-ley
Bo-na-na fanna Fo-fer-ley
Fee-fi-mo-mer-ley
Shirley!

Apparently, the biggliest challenge facing our military, and by extension all areas of government, is the name of the department that runs it. Over the course of time, wokeness has caused us to dilute the power of a name.

Well, this President says NO More!

Our SGOTUS (Stable Genius of the United States), after deep contemplation and analysis, identified the problem and solved it.  Henceforth, the Secretary of Defense (interestingly enough, SODOTUS, which sounds quite sodden, more wet noodle than formidable force) will be known as Secretary of War. SOWOTUS (pronounced SoWhatUS) as in So what if you don’t like US, we’re doing it anyway. Now that is a manly sounding department!

But why stop there? If all it takes is a name change to make everything more effective, then I say get on with it.

SOSOTUS, Secretary of State of the United States, sounds like a call for help. We don’t need anyone’s help. So, the Secretary of State will now be Secretary of Belligerence (SOBOTUS)

The Department of Justice will now be called the Department of Crime and Punishment.

The Secretary of Agriculture is now the Department of Land Disposal.

The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) is now the Department of Presidential Assurance.

Department of the Treasury is now the Department of Money, Money, Money.

Department of Energy is now the Department of Drill, Baby, Drill.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is now Find, Brutalize, Inter

ICE, the acronym is perfect, but Immigration and Customs Enforcement is too kind and gentle. We’ll call them Identify, Capture, Eliminate.

With these simple changes, the entire world will now understand what we are all about. 

Making these changes will have long-term consequences, but we fear nothing.

Let’s just hope the changes don’t have a negative impact. Instead of the United States of America, we may soon be known as the Former United States of America. 

Our indivisibility no longer certain.

P.S. For those of you with the song Name Game stuck on a loop in your brain, you’re welcome