Conservatives are mostly cat people. Liberals are mostly dog people. Knowing this can make voting so simple even a dead person could do it.

This explains why Mr. Trump won his first election and lost his second election. And neither involves voter fraud.

Hillary was a cat person. The Clintons may have also had a dog, but the cat negates the benefit.

Trump had neither, although some might consider Jared a pet. Mr. Trump did have the opportunity to get a dog. He didn’t and thus he lost to Joe Biden who has two dogs. Ted Kennedy told Obama to get a dog when he was first elected, look what that did.

Two dogs, particularly when one is a rescue dog, are an almost certain guarantee of victory. Again, no voter fraud necessary.

This generalization about liberals and conservatives, which like all such statements has exceptions, is, nevertheless, a good benchmark for selecting a candidate.

Dogs are always happy, they love to share their joy with others, and have an intuitive sense for your feelings. If a dog senses you are sad, they will sit with you, rest their head on your lap, let you rub their belly, and be content until your melancholy passes.

A dog wants you to feel better and will do everything he/she can to make that happen.

Cats will ignore you and expect you to “just get over it” so as to not interrupt their routine. Cats, like conservatives, will take something or some action that is useful and turn it into something you don’t want.

For example, if a cat finds a mouse in your house it would be helpful for her/him to chase it away. But that is not what a cat does. Instead, he/she plays with the mouse, tortures it, wounds it, occasionally letting it think it is getting away, then kills it.

The cat then promptly brings the dead mouse to you, which you neither need or want, and leaves it for you to find a way to dispose of it. Sort of like some legislative actions. Sometimes, just for good measure, they will add a regurgitated hairball just because they can.

Dogs have enthusiasm and empathy. They are brimming with excitement with just the slightest bit of attention. Dogs, no matter how they are mistreated, always forgive and they are always happy to see you.

Cats are characterized by a standoffish attitude and zero tolerance for change. At your lowest moment, they often disappear for weeks.

Now like any other general statement, there are exceptions.

They are conservatives who have dogs. Conservative dogs are the ones who can’t be left alone with children, they are generally ill-tempered by training, and are not inclined to being optimists. They lean toward big dogs as a way to compensate for their insecurities. But some conservatives with dogs also harbor progressive tendencies they try to conceal behind such angry beasts. They can be retrained.

And to all those conservatives who will feel the need to send me cute pictures of their dogs, it will just underscore my point. Deep down you want to be on our team.

Liberal cat owners are just trying to change the world. They are completely without guile. The cats, however, will never give up trying to convert you to the dark side.

The same caveat goes for liberal cat owners, no need to send cute pictures of your affectionate cats. Cats are known to be experts are pretending to be friendly, then they bite you when you try to pet them. I am not fooled by the secret agenda of cats to rule world.

So the rule of thumb for elections is simple.

A choice between a Dog candidate or a Cat candidate, pick the dog.

Choice between two dog candidates, pick the little dog. Big dogs are often afraid of little dogs. Little dogs are afraid of nothing.

Choice between two cat candidates…the country is in trouble, unless they are willing to adopt a dog. Then refer to the above rules.

P.S. If there were some dead people who voted against Mr. Trump, is it possible some of those were the 279,000 Americans lost on his watch to COVID-19?

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