Biblical Solutions: Calling all Virgins

Our nation is embroiled in a search for a solution to the problem of gun violence. As much as I hate to admit this, perhaps the answer lies in our vaunted Judeo-Christian tradition.

Maybe the solution has been here all along, but in our rush for the toys and pleasures of modern society; cell phones, Cable TV, drive-up fast food, America’s Got Talent, semi-automatic weapons, we’ve lost sight of the obvious.

All we need do is look to the Bible for the answer. Thoughts and Prayers, while comforting, are not enough. They are just a part of the solution.

They are the warm-up act for the real petition to the Almighty. The full invocation seeking holy intercession requires one more simple gesture.

The sacrifice of Virgins.

In the Old Testament, it tells us 37 times the Lord loves the pleasing aroma of burning flesh. Look it up; some are even in the red words.

It is the missing piece for a divine solution to our problem.

Think of the possibilities.

We can hold it twice a year on special holidays, Christmas and Ground Hog Day. Add one more memory to childhood.

We can have a torch run and a contest for the chance to “light the fire.”  Jose Feliciano’s version of “Light My Fire” can be the soundtrack.

We can have corporate sponsors. “This year’s sacrifice is brought to you by Armalite.” Sort of a mea culpa for contributing to the problem.

We can have a food truck contest. Nothing like barbecue at the Barbecue.

We would make it humane.  We’re not barbarians.  It would give us something to do with all those Opioid painkillers Big Pharm couldn’t dump on America.

We can use a combination of wood and all that new coal we’ve been mining since the rejuvenation of the coal industry.

Selecting the Virgin could be the next Mega-hit, kicking my 600-lb Life to the curb.

Of course, like athletes having to pass drug tests, the aspiring sacrificees (if that is a word) would need certification to ensure we have a “virgo intacta.”

Male virgins cannot participate since it would be difficult to confirm their status, although you can usually tell by looking at them. Funny how life has made it so easy to place women at the forefront of our sacrificial needs.

If Virgins are too painful a choice, we might consider trying to sacrifice a member of Congress or the loser in the Presidential election.  Undoubtedly among them are no virgins, certainly a harlot or two, but would God care if the “aroma” of the burning flesh is not “fresh meat?”

It might bring out the vote. We’d kill two birds with one….never mind.

Then again, now that I think of it, for the offering to be compelling it must be meaningful. Abraham’s almost sacrifice of his son serves as a guideline. Nobody would grieve Roast Member of Congress or former candidate.

Isn’t the main act in the second half of the Bible a hint at what we need to do?

At the very least, sacrificing a virgin reduces the death toll to a tolerable level. I mean, isn’t one or two killed a year better since we can’t stop it all? If there is something to this Judeo-Christian tradition, isn’t the Second Amendment an inspiration from God?

tumblr_myjjelip4j1sum3xmo1_500Maybe it was on the stone tablet Moses dropped as he backed away from the burning bush? (I might be mixing up my Bible stories, but you get my point.) Because, if it was a Commandment instead of an Amendment, you anti-gun weenies might feel a bit foolish.

Go ahead, mock my idea. But think about it. Not one civilization where the practice of Virgin Sacrifice took place ever experienced a school shooting.

What more proof do we need?

 

5 thoughts on “Biblical Solutions: Calling all Virgins

  1. I can see it now, designated Virgin Search teams lead by Weinstein, Trump, and Moore. Reality shows with media besotted pre-teens looking for their 15 minutes of fame while their parents look to make a killing on the killing. A harsh dystopian, but thankfully fictitious, world played out against a dystopian reality, unimaginable not so very long ago, of American schools becoming killing fields, not rarely but a measurable number of schools every year.
    Most of the world order has become dysfunction, it’s not just in the US, society needs a hard course correction immediately if we’re ever going to get back on track.

    Like

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