(Idiot) Signs of the Apocalyse

We live along the Blackstone Valley Bike Path in Rhode Island. It is one of the nicest places to walk along the Blackstone River and catch glimpses of an ever-changing variety of birds and animals.

biodegradable-pet-waste-bagsUnfortunately,  intellectually challenged versions of the world’s most dangerous animal also frequent the path. They are easy to spot as they are always accompanied by dogs.

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I am a dog person. Most rational humans are. Cats are not my idea of a good companion. However, cats are innocent here.

Apparently, these two-legged morons are the perfect example of why we have what appear to be unnecessary and demeaning warning labels on things. For example, warnings that packing peanuts (those appetizing white plastic pellets) are not for human consumption.  Good thing we have that one because I am often overcome with a desire for a nice bowl of packing peanuts.

Or, warnings on a stove that “surface may be hot.” If the surface “may” be hot, why would you buy the stove?

But I digress. What both irritates and confuses me is how these defective humans apparently cannot understand the purpose of dog waste bags.

The bike path is littered with bags designed to pick up and DISPOSE of dog waste. But these prime examples of how nature sometimes takes a genetic bad turn fail to understand this.

They dutifully follow their dogs, waiting for the inevitable Alpo evacuation. Ever notice how what goes in the front of the dog bears a strong resemblance to what comes out the other end?  It’s not so much as they eat the food as it takes a subway tunnel through the dog and reappears at the other end.

Anyway, after the dog does his thing, be it the direct stop and go or the circle, circle, sniff, sniff, circle, circle, sniff, circle, sniff, circle, sniff, target acquired and fire method of eliminating their Kibbles and Bits, their handlers spring into action.

They insert their hand into the waste bag, approach the pile (upwind I hope), envelop the dollop in the bag, spin and seal, then LEAVE IT ON THE PATH.

What the Covfefe, as the President would say.

I mean if you will not follow through with the full steps of disposal (which illustrates the consequences of a lack of instructions on the bag) then leave the poop ‘au naturel’ and let nature take over where your intellect fails.

Think of this next time you see a shitbag on the bike path. Tell him (or her) to read the instructions. Better yet, take their dog and give them a cat. They’re not fit to care for a sentient creature.

Dogs May Be Smarter than Humans

Whenever I buy something new, I am always amused by the instructions or warnings. In particular, the universal stick figure illustrations that attempt to transcend language differences.

My personal favorite is the warnings on the desiccant pack included with most electronics. Their purpose is to absorb moisture. The warning, ominous and serious, says, “Not for Human Consumption.”

Really?

In all my life I never once considered having them for dinner. Not once. Yet, there are the warnings.

I used to be insulted that someone thought them necessary. Now, however, I see a need for them on what would seem a self-explanatory use of an item.

Dog waste bags, in the proper English. Dog shit bags in the vernacular.

You would think no explanation or instructions are necessary.

You would be wrong.

I walk the bike path in Albion almost every day. And almost every day the bike path is littered with used, yet improperly disposed of, dog waste bags.

Adownloadpparently, the concept is too complex for most.

It would seem simple.

Buy the bags, attach the convenient dispenser to the dog leash, take dog for a walk, observe (discreetly so as not to give performance anxiety) as the dog dispenses the processed Alpo, Purina, or recently consumed trash, pick up said pile of waste with the bag, spin vigorously to secure, tie in a knot, and then, here is where the instructions are necessary, DISPOSE OF IT.

Do not toss to the side of the bike path.

Do not leave them behind.

TAKE IT WITH YOU AND PUT IT IN THE TRASH.

For the love of all that is good, if you’re gonna leave it behind, why would you entomb a biodegradable item in a non-biodegradable plastic coffin?

The shit would be gone in a few days, the bag will be here until the end of time. It will confuse future alien archeologists. Imagine that discussion. “They bagged what? No way.”

One wonders if there is any hope for America. It’s hard to be optimistic when you realize some of these simpletons vote. People who cannot figure out that disposing of the waste bag is a critical part of the process probably shouldn’t be allowed out without supervision.

Avoiding the Ugly Circumstance: Sound Advice from Nigeria

“There’s a sucker born every minute…”

This phrase, popularly attributed to P.T Barnum, was most likely spoken by David Hannum, in criticism of both P. T. Barnum and those that patronized Barnum’s shows.

No matter who said it, there is a great deal of truth in it.

I happen to enjoy reading the various scams promulgated on the web. Although, these have been around for as long as mankind.

But I particularly enjoy this one. It is so official sounding, so convincing, so tempting to believe…if you are a total idiot.

Yet, there must be some success to it. It continues to circulate.

JAMES B. COMEY, JR,

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI.

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI), WASHINGTON D.C FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

 

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,

After proper investigations, we, the Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) discovered that your impending (over-due contract) payment with Central Bank of Nigeria is 100% legal and has been approved for release to you.

We recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr Godwin Emefiele and other top officials of the concerned Ministries regarding your case and we were made to understand that your files have been held in abeyance pending on when you personally apply for the claim.

Investigations also revealed that a lady, by name Mrs. Joan B Melvin from New York has already contacted Central Bank of Nigeria with a power of attorney and some documents, which stipulated that you have mandated her to claim your fund of US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million United States Dollars) on your behalf due to your ill health.

In view of this, we have been urged to warn US citizens who have received information pertaining to their outstanding contract payment to be very careful and not to be a victim of ugly circumstance.  In case you are already dealing with anybody or office from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are strictly advised to STOP further communication with them in your best interest and thereby contact the real office of Central Bank of Nigeria via the below information:

NAME: MR. GODWIN EMEFIELE

OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria, Central Business District, Cadastral Zone, Abuja, Federal.

Capital Territory, Nigeria.

Email: cenbnkng015@e-nautia.com

NOTE: In your best interest, you should ignore any message that does not come from the above email address and phone number for security reasons. And to enable Central Bank of Nigeria to process and release the fund to you, you are required to re-confirm your full details such as

FULL NAMES: __________________________________

CITY: _________________________

STATE: __________________________________

ZIP: ______________

COUNTRY: ________________________________

SEX: _______________

AGE: __________________

TELEPHONE NUMBER: _____________________

Ensure that you follow the Central Bank of Nigeria due process as enshrined in International Banking Secrecy Act to avoid any form of discrepancy, which may hinder your fund transfer.

Thanks for your understanding and co-operation as we earnestly await your urgent response.

Best Regards,

JAMES B. COMEY, JR

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

  1. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING,

935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

NW WASHINGTON, D.C

E-MAIL: jjbcomeyjr@aol.com

I mean how can you not resist? They are preventing you being a victim of  “ugly circumstance.”

After all, it is from the FBI and they are, “seeking to wiretap internet”, we all know they are always watching out for us. How can this not be true?

If any of you are tempted to respond to this obviously wonderful opportunity, please follow these steps after you send your information as requested.

  1. Write the words “I am an idiot” on a large piece of cardboard
  2. Stand outside your home holding the sign high for all to see
  3. Say goodbye to all your worldly assets, some scammer in Nigeria thanks you.