Greenland Acres (Episode 1)
(A Satirical Ballad, to the tune of the “Green Acres” theme)
TRUMP: 🎵 Greenland is the place to be! Glacier livin’ is the life for me! Ice spreadin’ out so far and wide — Keep Denmark, just give me the frozen side! 🎵
MELANIA: 🎵 New York is where I’d rather stay. I get allergic smelling sled-dog hay. I just adore a penthouse view — Darling, I love you, but give me Fifth Avenue. 🎵
TRUMP: (gesturing at a map with Sharpie in hand) The fjords!
MELANIA: The snow.
TRUMP: The minerals!
MELANIA: No Whole Foods.
TRUMP: You are my wife!
MELANIA: Goodbye, city life!
BOTH: 🎵 Greeeeeenland Acres, we are theeeere! 🎵
Scene: The Oval Office. Trump unrolls a map. Greenland has been re-labeled “TRUMPLAND” in Sharpie. A small American flag is taped to it.
TRUMP: Folks, tremendous news. We’re buying Greenland. Biggest real estate deal in history. Bigger than Alaska. Alaska? Forget it. Tiny. Sad.
ADVISOR: Sir, Denmark has said it’s not for sale. Repeatedly. Since 1946. And you just signed an agreement not to do this.
TRUMP: That’s just the opening offer. Classic. I wrote the book on this. Art of the Deal. Number one bestseller. Some say the Bible, then my book. Some say the other way.
ADVISOR: Greenland is an autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark with 56,000 residents who—
TRUMP: Fifty-six thousand! That’s nothing! I get bigger crowds at a Tuesday rally in Toledo. We’ll give ’em all hats. Red hats. “Make Greenland Great Again.” Except it’s already white. So — “Keep Greenland White Again.” No wait. Scratch that. Bad optics. Lyin’ media will twist it.
Scene: Nuuk, Greenland. A local fisherman is interviewed.
REPORTER: Sir, what do you think of President Trump’s offer to purchase your country?
FISHERMAN: (long pause, exhales) In Greenland, we have a saying: “The man who tries to buy the iceberg drowns beneath it.”
REPORTER: That’s beautiful. Is that an ancient Inuit proverb?
FISHERMAN: No, I just made it up. But it sounds correct, yes?
Scene: Back in the Oval. Trump on the phone with the Danish Prime Minister.
TRUMP: Mette! Beautiful name. Very Scandinavian. Listen — what’s your number? Ballpark. I’ll wire it Tuesday.
PM: Mr. President, Greenland is not Denmark’s to sell. The Greenlandic people—
TRUMP: Throw in the pastries. The little ones. With the cheese. We’ll call it a package.
PM: (audible sigh from across the Atlantic)
TRUMP: Fine. FINE. I’m canceling my state visit. You blew it, Mette. Sad!
FINAL VERSE — REPRISE:
🎵 Greenland Acres, we tried our best, Now we’ll annex Canada to the west! Or maybe Panama, or the Moon — Donny’s Sharpie’s redrawing every map by noon! 🎵
🎵 Goodbye, allies! Hello, ice! Buying countries — wow, that would be nice! Trump and Melania, side by side — Greeeeeenland Acres, we are deniiiiied! 🎵
FADE OUT on Trump signing an executive order renaming the Arctic Ocean the “Gulf of Donald.”
Roll credits. 🎬
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