A transcript of the meeting with Xi Jinping and President Trump.
In Beijing, Trump bellowed with pride
“No one negotiates better than I!”
As Xi pocketed Taiwan,
Half of Boeing, and Guam,
While Don posed for a photo outside.
Trump: Xi! Great to see you. Nobody does meetings like I do. People are saying this is already the best meeting—maybe ever.
Xi: We have not started yet.
Trump: That’s how good it is. We’re ahead of schedule.
Xi: I prefer results to compliments.
Trump: Oh, we’ll get results. Tremendous results. The best results. People will say, “Wow, how did they even think of that?”
Xi: That is usually not what people say about geopolitics.
Trump: Okay, here’s what we’ll do. You take Taiwan. I’ll yell and scream that we’re going to fight for them. Then, I’ll blame Biden for not supporting the military and how we can’t do anything. Okay?
Xi: You are proposing… theater?
Trump: Can you help me take Greenland?
Xi: No
Trump: Interested in buying NATO?
Xi: No!
Trump: Okay then, theater. The best theater. Broadway-level. Maybe better. We’ll call it “Strategic Outrage.” Big ratings.
Xi: In my experience, consequences are not theatrical.
Trump: Sure they are. Everything’s messaging. You do your thing, I do my rallies, everybody looks strong. Win-win.
Xi: And the people involved?
Trump: They’ll love it. People love strength. I say, “we’re furious,” you say nothing, very mysterious—it works.
Xi: Silence is not the same as agreement.
Trump: It is on television.
Xi: You reduce complex realities into slogans.
Trump: That’s why they remember them. Nobody remembers a paragraph, Xi. They remember “tough,” “strong,” “winning.”
Xi: History tends to remember outcomes.
Trump: Exactly. And we’ll say the outcome was fantastic.
Xi: Even if it was not?
Trump: Especially if it was not. That’s when you really sell it.
Xi: You are either very confident or very unconcerned.
Trump: Both. It’s a great combination. Highly underrated.
Xi: I will consider your… performance strategy.
Trump: That’s all I ask. Consider it. And maybe give it five stars when you do.
Xi: We do not use stars.
Trump: You should. Tremendous system.
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