“Self” is Selfless

Shaw's
ATTN: Store Manager
186 County Road
Barrington, RI 02806

RE: Cashier “Self” commendation

Dear Director Karen and Shaw’s Corporate Leadership,

I am writing to express my most enthusiastic commendation for one of your truly exceptional employees at Store #1435 in Barrington, Rhode Island—a tireless, uncomplaining, and remarkably efficient cashier known simply as “Self.”

In all my years as a consumer, I have never encountered a checkout experience quite like the one Self provides. Not once did Self engage in idle chitchat when I was clearly in a hurry. Not once did Self call for a price check, go on break, or disappear to “check in the back.” Self did not sigh, roll their eyes, or make me feel vaguely judged for buying three bags of chips and a family-sized container of ice cream at 10:45 on a Tuesday night. Self simply got the job done — efficiently, quietly, and with a dignity that frankly puts the rest of the industry to shame.

Self never calls in sick. Self never requests a schedule change. Self does not require health benefits, a name tag, or even a uniform. In an era of chronic understaffing and high employee turnover, Self shows up every single day — holidays included — and asks for absolutely nothing in return. That, Director Karen, is what we in the business world call a company asset.

Furthermore, I have it on good authority that Self has never once been written up for tardiness, insubordination, or leaving a register drawer short. Self’s till balances perfectly every single time. One might even say Self is incapable of error — a standard to which we should all aspire.

It is for these reasons that I formally request the following recognition be bestowed upon Self without delay:

1. A RESERVED FRONT-ROW PARKING SPACE — for life. While Self may not, strictly speaking, drive, the symbolic gesture alone would send a powerful message to the entire workforce about what true dedication looks like.
2. A 50% EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT on all store purchases. Self deserves to enjoy the fruits of their labor, and frankly, after scanning thousands of items without a word of complaint, Self has more than earned a deeply discounted rotisserie chicken.
3. AN ADDITIONAL 30 DAYS OF PAID VACATION. Self works tirelessly every hour the store is open. It is long past time Self had a chance to rest, recharge, and perhaps spend some quiet time alone — which, based on everything I know about Self, sounds like exactly their kind of vacation.

In closing, Director Karen, I urge you in the strongest possible terms to recognize Self for the extraordinary contribution they make to your store each and every day. In a world full of people who do the bare minimum, Self does exactly what is asked — no more, no less — and somehow, that turns out to be everything.

Shaw’s is lucky to have them.

With the highest regard and a loyalty card I use religiously,

A Deeply Satisfied Customer

Joe Broadmeadow

Warren, RI 02885

(A big thanks for the idea goes out to my wife, who was the bagger for “self,” a task she executed flawlessly without putting large, heavy, metal cans on top of the eggs and tomatoes, then suggested I write this.)