BREAKING NEWS
Recently uncovered in a hack into Mr. Trump’s campaign is a list of the updated Ten Commandments proposed to be required reading and forced memorization in all schools, workplaces, and the public square.
And Our Lord Trump Doth Declare…
I am who am, the Lord thy real president. Thou shall not have any false presidents before (or after) me. (Vote for me this time and you won’t have to (be able to) vote again
Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord Trump in vain
Remember to keep holy my day (everyday)
Take possession of all monies and property from thy father and mother despite any will to the contrary and deny thy siblings a rightful share
Thou shall not kill (me, all others on a case by case basis)
Thou shall not point out my (alleged?) adultery
Thou shall not steal elections from me despite any evidence to the contrary
Thou shall not bear false witness except in support of my goals.
Thou (I) shall not covet my neighbor’s wife unless she is younger and prettier than thou (my) current one
Thou (I) shall not covet my neighbor’s goods. Thou (I) shall simply buy them, then fail to pay for them
BONUS COMMANDMENT
(BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS BIGGER AND BETTER THAN ANY OTHER COMMANDMENT GIVER)
Thou shall not point out my plethora of children from multiple women. For I am doing as I commanded you, be fruitful and multiply so as to have dominion over all the world.
Heavy is the head that (seeks to) bear the crown…
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