Going Postal: I S#$t You Not

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America is such a great country. It’s not the big things that make it so, the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. It is the small things that many don’t even realize exist that are the true joy of living in the USA.

One of these most wonderful benefits exists here in Arizona, the Land Where the Thermostat is Stuck on High. Like most states, we have Blue Cross Blue Shield as one of the health coverage choices. And, unlike the rest of the modern world with standardized, universal plans, each version offers different coverages all of which are detailed in a 2750-page booklet written in the original Greek.

For some inexplicable reason several of these pages contain the words “This page intentionally left blank” which of course means the page is not blank. You can understand my confusion.

Yet, every once in a while, we receive a mailing from them of value. (Actually, they must have an entire division that does nothing but send mailings to every member with useful and detailed information about things that have absolutely no bearing on one personally, for example detailed info on drugs no longer covered for conditions very few people suffer with. But they like to keep us informed.)

Recently I got one that I can take advantage of with great enthusiasm. But a little explanation first.

One of the benefits is an Over the Counter (OTC) card where we get $50 per quarter to use on specific items, i.e. toothpaste, suntan lotion (kind of silly when standing outside for more than five minutes would turn you into cinder ash, but it is the thought that counts), aspirin, etc. We now have enough toothpaste, suntan lotion, and dental floss to last several millennia.

One of the items you cannot buy is mouthwash or certain cough suppressants.  Using my powers of deductive reasoning I figured out they state would not want a bunch of senior citizens filtering these items through bread to extract the alcohol.

If they really thought about it, making the last few years on the planet more enjoyable would greatly benefit from allowing the purchase of alcohol, but Puritanism is alive and well here in on the surface of the sun.

The money goes on these neat little credit cards to be used at certain stores.  We call it our Old Age Welfare Money. Ain’t socialism great?

But wait there’s more. There are these self-assessment at home things one can do to earn additional money that can be used to buy almost anything (except alcohol of course.) I’ve bought pistachios, Arizona Diamondback baseball hats, and all sorts of other goodies.

The latest offer is almost too good to be true. It not only earns me another $25, but it eliminates for the immediate future one of the most unpleasant aspects of trying to be healthy, colonoscopies and the Devil’s Brew one has to consume the night before. An in-the-privacy of your own home sh&t collection kit mailed directly to you

Yes, you read it right. The State of Arizona (License plate “Come Bake With Us”) will pay me to “collect” a sample of SH&T, place it in a box, and send it through the Post Office to be examined for evidence of something trying to kill me.

Can you imagine. Twenty-five dollars to mail “Sh*t?”  

Knowing this process exists puts the whole phenomenon of “going postal” in an entirely new light. The only issue to decide is what do I have to eat the night before to “prepare” for the gathering.

It is a challenging quandary.

P.S. I wonder if it comes with USPS tracking number so I can watch it makes it way across the system?

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