Under the Banner of Things You Didn’t Know But Will Be Glad I Explained It

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Did you ever wonder why French Fries—or American Fries if you want to receive some benefit from the money Congress (not a group of baboons but the group of self-important egotistical maniacs in D.C.) once  wasted debating the issue—are long and thin?

Well, it is so you can fit them around the other food in your belly no matter how big a sandwich or serving of fish you’ve consumed. If one were looking for examples of divine inspiration you need look no further.

Think about it. A double cheeseburger or hefty serving of gloriously coated fried fish lend themselves to creating spaces where, and here’s the genius part, the French fries can almost endlessly slide around and fill in these gaps.

It can be the only explanation for why many restaurants serve what amounts to the total crop output of a medium sized potato farm sliced up and fried with every dish offering a side of fries.

Not being the type of person who benefits from buffets or all-you-can-eat gluttony feasts, I often ask the wait staff to ask the kitchen to cut down on the size of the side dish.  To no avail. All I get is a polite, of course, sir, and then a mountain of fries arrives as if nothing can be done about it.

They merely look at you as if you can’t comprehend the simple nature of the intrinsically simple design. Just eat the fries, sir. They’ll all fit, trust us.

I think it is why McDonald’s fries are so long and thin. Once you had the taste of one, the rest just seem to march lock-step right after them into the mouth and down the hatch.

As a side note, and with all due respect to the success of the McDonald’s brand, I can’t help but be disappointed when I travel to other countries, countries with rich and fabled histories, and come upon a McDonald’s sandwiched (pun intended) in between buildings from the 14th or 15th centuries or in places of historical significance.

It would seem many see having a McDonald’s—or Burger King or Subway or KFC—is a symbol of ones modernity and membership in the contemporary world.

But then again, one cannot stop “progress” and the fries are there to comfort you all the way.

I have no doubt should we ever reach the technological level of landing on and colonizing other planets, restaurants that serve fries will soon follow. Come to think about it, the “Golden Arches” might be a great symbol on the bow of our interstellar space crafts.

“Beam me up, Scotty and order me some fries.”

P.S. Let me know if this drove you to test my theory by visiting another uniquely American invention, one of the testaments to our greatness, the drive-up window. Nothing says success like dinner in a vehicle.

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