Should you ever find yourself in need of a way to expand your mind, ala Timothy Leary (look him up if he is unfamiliar), but wish to avoid any potential physical, mental, or legal implications, I have found the perfect solution.

It is relatively inexpensive, perfectly legal in all states (well, you may want to check in a few of “those” states), and readily available at various retail locations.

I guarantee this to stimulate both euphoria, hallucinations, and visions of vivid unearthly colors in one’s mind; all accomplished by the simple act of breathing, albeit using the proper implements.

Now those of you who may be familiar with the more exotic forms of oxygen-deprivation as an artificial enhancement to euphoria get your minds out of the gutter. This is a family friendly activity to be enjoyed alone or in groups.

All you need is a child’s inflatable pool.

Ignore the temptation of sloth and refrain from buying a hand pump. Simply open the package in front of an impatient 21-month-old child after you have thoroughly and incessantly promoted the joys of such a pool.

Then, using just your own innate ability to hyperventilate, inflate said pool without pausing. It may also help if the child leans or jumps on the pool during the inflationary stage, adding to the effect.

The euphoric feeling is unmatched, better than the best Chardonnay, best crafted Martini, or other lawful stimulants. And the colors one sees swirling before your suddenly unfocused eyes are unmatched.

But take care not to overdo it. I don’t want to hear of secret midnight visits to the garage to deflate and re-inflate the pool. It might become addictive and drive up the cost.

And buy the pool from a reputable dealer, no cheap Chinese imitation pools will do. Then again, that’s probably not possible anymore.

Maybe we can create an army of human-inflated balloons and send them over China? A couple of million balloons would waste their ammunition, amuse children worldwide, and offer some pleasurable moments to Americans. A Chinese Payback Happy Hour Celebration.

Who knew euphoria could be used as a weapon?

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