With the dawn of new age, when we seek a brighter and more embracing community, I am appealing to President Biden to address by Executive Order (of which he seems to have an unending supply) an unappreciated vestige of discrimination.

Now I realize there are much more pressing issues to address when it comes to discrimination, but this shouldn’t be an excuse to allow the endemic and prolific mistreatment of a whole class of otherwise worthwhile humans.

I am, of course, talking about the ostracism, condescension, and outright belittling of those of us with refined enough palettes to appreciate the sophisticated flavors and savory nirvana that is SPAM   

Introduced by Hormel in 1937, one might argue that since an army travels on its stomach, SPAM, just as much as B-17s, the M-1 Garand, and the atomic bomb, helped win the war. SPAM gained popularity worldwide after its use during World War II; winners always draw others to themselves. By 2003, Spam was sold in 41 countries on six continents and trademarked in over 100 countries.

And yet, there are those with little minds, unrefined taste buds, and a pretentious haughtiness about them who denigrate and demean those of us who love SPAM.

Think about the versatility, let alone its usefulness doing times of struggle.

SPAM in a can, if left unopened, is good for at least 4 years, when it would be considered “young spam” or if treasured for several centuries then opened, like fine wine, it would be aged appropriately (although it might be advisable not to let it breathe.)

Yet I bet you could still eat it. Recalling my days hiking the Appalachian Trail (have I mentioned I hiked the Appalachian trail? All 2185 miles of it), I know if one were at a trailhead and ran into an AT thru-hiker, and all one had was a can of vintage 1941 SPAM to offer, there is no doubt in my mind the hiker would devour it with pleasure. They might even open the can first, but there are no guarantees of this depending on how long they’d been away from civilization.

I also have no doubt that some weekend hikers, wearing clothes that were clean that morning and carrying all sorts of unnecessary equipment to make them look like experienced hikers (their aroma of cleanliness gives them away), would turn up their noses at the SPAM devouring hiker.

And thus it is with all of us SPAMmers; we suffer grievously the slings and arrows of outrageous condescension. This leads me to another example of blatant discrimination: spam folders, spamming, and spammers as a description of unwanted things.

Who decided that folders containing unsolicited emails from some Nigerian Royalty or his solicitor should be called SPAM?

This is an insult to SPAM lovers everywhere. And we are everywhere. Even those who may claim otherwise secretly fry up SPAM in the confines of their kitchens when no one can see them. You may deny it, but every family has one of us.

It’s time for all SPAMMERS to come out of the shadows and proclaim to the world, I LOVE SPAM!

And they should be able to do this without being subjected to heaps of abuse, vomiting memes, expressions of disgust, or any other mistreatment.

Thus we need an Executive Order from the President of the United States. The S.P.A.M. Act, Spam People Are Maligned Act. And this should take precedent before any other matters, including stimulus checks or other issues of concern.

Just this very day I was the object of scorn for posting a picture of my breakfast preparation that included SPAM. It cuts me to the quick. This must end!

It is time to SAVE THE SPAM and prevent discrimination against those of us who love our SPAM.  Mark my words, you will have to pry my SPAM out of my cold, dead hands before I ever give up my right to enjoy this wonder of the world!

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