“Jersey” Boys

There is a phenomenon that has grown more commonplace that completely baffles me.

Why do fully-grown adults, particularly those that have grown in all the wrong proportions, wear sports jerseys bearing the name of some athlete?

Sadly, this is a predominately male issue.

It can’t possibly be a fashion statement.

It’s not political.

If it’s to support a team, why the need for the player’s name?

There is something disconcerting about a person that would have trouble walking the average distance of a fast food drive-up line, without breathing heavy, wearing a shirt bearing the name of a professional athlete. It becomes almost comical when they are smoking and doing shots of something.

It is particularly annoying when the same male is screaming at the top of his lungs at a sporting event or, even worse, at a TV screen in a sports pub (isn’t that in and of itself an oxymoron?). It should be called a Sports Viewing Pub, anything else is disingenuous.

In most cases, the screaming male is yelling some idiotic criticism of the players “lack of commitment” or “not having their head in the game” or some other such drivel they’ve picked up from Sports Center analysis. The truly frightening ones are yelling at the replays.

Speaking of frightening, what is to analyze about a game once it’s over?

“What do you think, Bubba, how was this performance?”

“Well Chet, I don’t know if I saw the best out there but it seems to me the other team had more points and time ran out.”

“Ah, yup, and now to the latest from London….”

Game over. Analysis complete.

Now when women wear the same thing there is something strangely erotic about it. The New York Yankees emblem looks infinitely better on a woman. Well, most women anyway.

I suppose my point is that being a fan is a good thing. I love most sports (golf is NOT a sport). However, if you are over the age of 10, living vicariously (and publicly) through one’s sports heroes, that is downright embarrassing. The fact that one would even call an athlete a “hero” is troubling in itself, if their only accomplishment is on the field and staying out of jail.

Fortunately, many have much wider accomplishments.

Let’s make a rule. In order to qualify to wear a team shirt bearing an athlete’s name you must be able to (applies to both men and women although open to interpretation for some women):

1. See your feet while standing

2. Refer to Rule 1

“Oh come on man, get your head in the GAME!”

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