Suggestions to the Scam Community: Get a Native Speaking English Editor

Today, as part of my daily quest to lend aid to my fellow man, I am reaching out to the scam artists of Burkina Faso, West Africa.

ea6a55357a415cbd6a257abfbcfd163cIt would seem I am a favorite of them as I receive several emails a month from various government officials, relatives of deceased bankers, or terminal (yet wealthy) cancer patients who want to give me money to do god’s work. (Talk about misdirected efforts.)

The problem, as I see it, is their success rate suffers on these scams because the body of the email sounds like it was written by a dropout of an English as a second language class or was part of a skit on Saturday Night Live.

So I have taken a moment out of my morning writing ritual (which consists of drinking coffee and making shit up) to offer some corrections.

For the sake of clarity, I will use bolded text to point out the errors with my helpful suggestions.

Hello Dear Friend, (good start! almost)

Pls (no abbreviations please, it lacks sincerity) i (Capitalize) want you to read this letter very carefully and i (see previous error) must apologize for berging (berging? Is that some sort of ritual imposition? Something you do to a goat? Do not create words, use a dictionary or at least “Google” it) this message into your mail box without any formal introduction due to the urgency and confidential (incorrect form, should be confidentiality but bonus points for spelling it correctly) of this issue and i (again?) know that this message will come to you as a surprise. (run-on (and on and on and on) sentence. Short and concise is better) It is true that we have not meet (form incorrect) each other in person,but (space after the comma) i (?) strongly believe that no trust, no friendship in every business.(Strongly is an adverb, it weakens the writing. Use active words. And you “strongly believe” what? Makes no sense.)

I am Mr (Mr.) Allen Ibrahim, a staff (you are a staff? Perhaps you mean “on staff” or a member of the staff?) in African Development Bank (A.D.B)Ouagadougou, Burkina faso (your lack of capitalization is showing again) West Africa. I Hoped (no hope here) that you will not expose orbetray  (If you mean “or betray” a little proof-reading would fix it) this trust and confident (confidence) that i (do capital I’s cost more in Burkina Faso?) am about to extablish (another made up word?) with you forthe (?) mutual benefit of you and i.(I’ll send you some capital I’s with my full identifying information)

I could go on, Mr. Allen Ibrahim, but I trust you get my point. In the interest of international cooperation, please send me Twenty-five (25) Million dollars in US currency and I will gladly edit all your future emails for you.

I remain at your service,

Joe B.


Avoiding the Ugly Circumstance: Sound Advice from Nigeria

“There’s a sucker born every minute…”

This phrase, popularly attributed to P.T Barnum, was most likely spoken by David Hannum, in criticism of both P. T. Barnum and those that patronized Barnum’s shows.

No matter who said it, there is a great deal of truth in it.

I happen to enjoy reading the various scams promulgated on the web. Although, these have been around for as long as mankind.

But I particularly enjoy this one. It is so official sounding, so convincing, so tempting to believe…if you are a total idiot.

Yet, there must be some success to it. It continues to circulate.






After proper investigations, we, the Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) discovered that your impending (over-due contract) payment with Central Bank of Nigeria is 100% legal and has been approved for release to you.

We recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Mr Godwin Emefiele and other top officials of the concerned Ministries regarding your case and we were made to understand that your files have been held in abeyance pending on when you personally apply for the claim.

Investigations also revealed that a lady, by name Mrs. Joan B Melvin from New York has already contacted Central Bank of Nigeria with a power of attorney and some documents, which stipulated that you have mandated her to claim your fund of US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million United States Dollars) on your behalf due to your ill health.

In view of this, we have been urged to warn US citizens who have received information pertaining to their outstanding contract payment to be very careful and not to be a victim of ugly circumstance.  In case you are already dealing with anybody or office from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are strictly advised to STOP further communication with them in your best interest and thereby contact the real office of Central Bank of Nigeria via the below information:


OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria, Central Business District, Cadastral Zone, Abuja, Federal.

Capital Territory, Nigeria.


NOTE: In your best interest, you should ignore any message that does not come from the above email address and phone number for security reasons. And to enable Central Bank of Nigeria to process and release the fund to you, you are required to re-confirm your full details such as

FULL NAMES: __________________________________

CITY: _________________________

STATE: __________________________________

ZIP: ______________

COUNTRY: ________________________________

SEX: _______________

AGE: __________________

TELEPHONE NUMBER: _____________________

Ensure that you follow the Central Bank of Nigeria due process as enshrined in International Banking Secrecy Act to avoid any form of discrepancy, which may hinder your fund transfer.

Thanks for your understanding and co-operation as we earnestly await your urgent response.

Best Regards,







I mean how can you not resist? They are preventing you being a victim of  “ugly circumstance.”

After all, it is from the FBI and they are, “seeking to wiretap internet”, we all know they are always watching out for us. How can this not be true?

If any of you are tempted to respond to this obviously wonderful opportunity, please follow these steps after you send your information as requested.

  1. Write the words “I am an idiot” on a large piece of cardboard
  2. Stand outside your home holding the sign high for all to see
  3. Say goodbye to all your worldly assets, some scammer in Nigeria thanks you.