Today, as part of my daily quest to lend aid to my fellow man, I am reaching out to the scam artists of Burkina Faso, West Africa.
It would seem I am a favorite of them as I receive several emails a month from various government officials, relatives of deceased bankers, or terminal (yet wealthy) cancer patients who want to give me money to do god’s work. (Talk about misdirected efforts.)
The problem, as I see it, is their success rate suffers on these scams because the body of the email sounds like it was written by a dropout of an English as a second language class or was part of a skit on Saturday Night Live.
So I have taken a moment out of my morning writing ritual (which consists of drinking coffee and making shit up) to offer some corrections.
For the sake of clarity, I will use bolded text to point out the errors with my helpful suggestions.
Hello Dear Friend, (good start! almost)
Pls (no abbreviations please, it lacks sincerity) i (Capitalize) want you to read this letter very carefully and i (see previous error) must apologize for berging (berging? Is that some sort of ritual imposition? Something you do to a goat? Do not create words, use a dictionary or at least “Google” it) this message into your mail box without any formal introduction due to the urgency and confidential (incorrect form, should be confidentiality but bonus points for spelling it correctly) of this issue and i (again?) know that this message will come to you as a surprise. (run-on (and on and on and on) sentence. Short and concise is better) It is true that we have not meet (form incorrect) each other in person,but (space after the comma) i (?) strongly believe that no trust, no friendship in every business.(Strongly is an adverb, it weakens the writing. Use active words. And you “strongly believe” what? Makes no sense.)
I am Mr (Mr.) Allen Ibrahim, a staff (you are a staff? Perhaps you mean “on staff” or a member of the staff?) in African Development Bank (A.D.B)Ouagadougou, Burkina faso (your lack of capitalization is showing again) West Africa. I Hoped (no hope here) that you will not expose orbetray (If you mean “or betray” a little proof-reading would fix it) this trust and confident (confidence) that i (do capital I’s cost more in Burkina Faso?) am about to extablish (another made up word?) with you forthe (?) mutual benefit of you and i.(I’ll send you some capital I’s with my full identifying information)
I could go on, Mr. Allen Ibrahim, but I trust you get my point. In the interest of international cooperation, please send me Twenty-five (25) Million dollars in US currency and I will gladly edit all your future emails for you.
I remain at your service,