I love to travel. I am, so to speak, in the business. As a consequence of my employment I get to hear a lot about things that bother people.

Delays, mostly.

The rare, thank goodness, cancellation.

Obnoxious behavior on the part of other passengers.

But I find most of that stuff to be very minor and of little LASTING concern.

What should really bother people about traveling? One of mankind’s most evil inventions, automatic toilets.

They flush at the most inopportune moment. Either causing things to appear as if I failed to allow myself enough time to get there in the first place or becoming an unwanted and unexpected Bidet.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Bidet, imagine a sudden geyser of high pressure water being shot up from the toilet bowl.

Now I am genuinely concerned about this.

Aside from the general concerns of having my butt sprayed by water splashing around a toilet bowl that may not have been cleaned since, let me check the list posted by the exit, ah yes, 1965, I am more concerned that they are not really automatic but under the control of some airport employee.

At first I suspected Bathroom attendants assisted by Skycaps.

I assumed if they were stiffed on tips they alerted some bathroom attendant to look for the cheap bastard entering a bathroom and exact revenge. Think about it, skycaps work for tips mostly. Bathroom attendants are almost invisible to the traveling public. They are often treated like a class of slave Lincoln didn’t include in the Emancipation Proclamation,

Why would anyone do that job?

I thought about it. Perhaps this is why.

On your breaks, you get to control the Auto Squirter!

Complete with Disney style digital photo of the reaction.

But then I realized, this had all the earmarks of a Federal Program.

Perhaps, Homeland Security had received information about explosive coated butts.

It is not that much of a stretch, we’ve had the sneaker bomber, the underwear bomber. Isn’t the “commando” bomber the next logical step?

How would they detect this? If one unexamined ass or perhaps “smaller object” gets by, the terrorists win.

What to do? Of course, create a new, secret bureaucracy within a bureaucracy.

Which resulted in the TSA forming a Clandestine Division known as FATASS (Federal Automatic Toilet Analysis & Squirting Service).

They initiate FATASS Plan #1 or #2 as appropriate. I would suspect Federal Automatic Toilet Analysis & Squirting Service usage being a component of the Presidential Daily Briefing.

This also explains why, whenever I see an employee shuttle with TSA employees on board, they seem to number in the thousands. Yet inside, there are five handling the security lines.

I used to wonder what the other ones were doing.

No more.

Now I know. Now I am reassured. TSA has a difficult job. I also now know that within that job they have some really tough specific assignments.

We’ve all heard the unfortunate jokes about what TSA stands for,

Thousands Standing Around

Too Stupid for Arby’s

Well now we should all rest assured, that like the hidden messages in the Bible, the Koran, the grilled cheese for sale on Ebay, the Transportation Security Administration has its own hidden message.

To Serve & Assist, no

To Save America, no

To Stop Armageddon, no

TSA, say it proud but silently. They are the other Silent Service.

To Squirt Asses.

I can sleep at night, free of fear, free of Cling Ons.

I probably shouldn’t travel for awhile.