State V. Homer J. Squirrel
Count 1: Willful Destruction of Private Property (Garden)
Count 2: Terroristic Activity in the Destruction of Food Supplies During a Pandemic
Count 3: Conspiracy to Interrupt Lawful Distribution of Life-Sustaining Food Supplies (Bird Food)
Court: Having been found guilty by a jury of your peers (well, in the imaginary trial I would envision might happen), there remains the penalty. Is the State ready to argue?
State: We are your Honor.
State: May it please the court. After a trial of two days, Homer J. Squirrel stands convicted before this court on all counts. I should like to point out to the court that Mr. Squirrel has continued to raid and disrupt the property of the victim and still digs many holes in the garden.
While the State recognizes the legitimate right of the defendant to gather foodstuffs for his own survival — I assume it’s a he, but I haven’t seen his n***, ah never mind—this unrepentant invasion of the garden, this interference with food production in this time of the pandemic, and what we expect will be his raiding of the bird feeder once deployed, will continue unabated.
The only appropriate punishment is execution by firing squad at the next opportunity (or whenever Amazon delivers the BB gun to said Government Executioner.)
The State rests.
Court: Does the defendant have anything to say?
Defense Counsel: We do, your honor. The defendant wishes to speak on his own behalf.
Court: Very well, Mr. Squirrel, please direct your statement to the bench and, if you could, please stop chattering and burying things in your attorney’s briefcase.
Homer J. Squirrel: Your Honor, while I may well stand convicted before you, I must protest the unfairness of the verdict given the prejudice of the jury. This jury of my peers consisted of several dogs, two birds, several rabbits, and a mixture of other creatures who compete with me for the available food in the wilds of Cranston. All are known squirrel haters
What the State failed to tell the court, is the victim has draped what seems to be some sort of force field over the garden, repelling all creatures who dare try to enter the said garden. This field ensnares birds and has proven impervious to any attempt to gain entry, ah, not that I have your honor. Still, word travels fast among us tree-dwellers.
Under these circumstances—I am just trying to live and provide for my brood of babies—I would ask the court to show mercy and sentence me to probation. Thank you, your honor. (Stenographers note, defendant scampers over several tables on the way back to the defendant’s table.)
Court: We shall leave this in the hands of the people. The two options are;
- Death by Firing Squad (administered at the next moment of opportunity)
- Probation with a deferral of death sentence pending any new violations
I leave it in your hands. Comment below Death or Probation, and the consensus will determine this varmint’s future (or lack thereof.)